Loneliness.
Have you ever felt that?
I guess everyone has. It is an inevitable reality. However, there is more to loneliness than just being alone. It is the sense of not belonging to anywhere and anyone when your entire life is made up of nothing but civilization.
The kind of loneliness I am talking about is thoroughly lonely that it physically disfigures you. It contorts your smile to a frown, it annihilates the hope that was ever in your eyes and it shapes a wall around you that could not be penetrated even by the kindest heart.
I feel that. And every minute that passes by in my humdrum life, the void that this loneliness of mine occupies becomes deeper and soon enough it will spread like a malignant growth throughout my whole being. I am very much afraid that one day, one unfortunate day, I will become nothing but a void of loneliness, wandering around solid ground, perpetuating loneliness to those who are around me. I am afraid of being slowly corrupted by this disease.
The question that I ask myself is why do I feel such way? Am I not relevant to anyone, anything or any living substance whatsoever in this civilization of humanity that I am cast to the very locus of being but feel undeniably and utterly cast aside? Why? Am I microscopic or macroscopic even, to the eyes of the flesh around me? Did nature do this to me or did I doom my very self to the path of oblivion voluntarily? I simply cannot fathom this loneliness of mine.
Mind me, I have families, I have friends and I have a lover. I have whomever I need to have to not feel what it is I am feeling. However, such strong feeling such as loneliness does not waver to the complete set of army that I have to escort it out of this encapsulated life of mine.
What kind of hell is this? And how, oh fuck, how am I suppose to save myself from this abomination?
l8r,
Jazmin
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