The reality of love

31st August 2015. 

My 3rd anniversary with the headless guy in the photo. 

Even if you meet the right person who is going to be the love of your life, loving them will still be hard because we are mortals and it is an innate behavior of us to hurt the ones who loves us. Loving someone is hard because you cannot pause yourself from loving that person. You have to constantly love them when in good days and apparently you have to love them even more on their bad days. Loving is an endless act, it is tiring and truthfully, not really worth it at times. But we do it anyway because according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, love is the very foundation of needs in life. We need it. So we love and love and love tirelessly even when we are fucking exhausted of loving itself.

Books and movies, you have got to stop disseminating unrealistic expectations of love for children because I don't want the future generation to be disappointed by the reality of love like I currently am. 

l8r,

Jaz.

Kasut Sekolah Converse.

I don't give a flying batcrap if my shoes are so white, fresh and clean that a high contrast level of my shoes will hurt your eyes. And yes of course, I am very much aware without anyone pointing it out that my new kicks looks like kasut sekolah but I love it. I love every inch and fiber of it. And because it is Converse, I am going to love it more with time because like wine or scotch, it ages beautifully. This is my 4th pair of Converse throughout my lifetime and I am pretty sure when this shoes goes to hell, I am still going to replace it with another pair of Converse. So, Converse, if you want to sponsor me, just holla at me. Cuz, I will wear the shit out of you.

And, Selamat Merdeka dan semoga sentiasa Merdeka.

l8r,

Jaz.

Word Vomit: Moral Conundrum

Moral conundrum:

It is like my brain and my feelings are completely estranged from one another. They cannot for the life of me come to a fucking consensus.

Plus, I don't like going with feelings, I think feelings are irresponsible, careless and just plain stupid but man, feelings are fucking dictators. They cannot let the brain wins even when they know that the brain is right.

What is it with me these days? Is this what it feels like to become older? If  it is, let me just say, it is confusing. 

l8r,

Jaz.

Word Vomit: Loneliness

Loneliness. 

Have you ever felt that?

I guess everyone has. It is an inevitable reality. However, there is  more to loneliness than just being alone. It is the sense of not belonging to anywhere and anyone when your entire life is made up of nothing but civilization.

The kind of loneliness I am talking about is thoroughly lonely that it physically disfigures you. It contorts your smile to a frown, it annihilates the hope that was ever in your eyes and it shapes a wall around you that could not be penetrated even by the kindest heart.

I feel that. And every minute that passes by in my humdrum life, the void that this loneliness of mine occupies becomes deeper and soon enough it will spread like a malignant growth throughout my whole being. I am very much afraid that one day, one unfortunate day, I will become nothing but a void of loneliness, wandering around solid ground, perpetuating loneliness to those who are around me. I am afraid of being slowly corrupted by this disease.

The question that I ask myself is why do I feel such way? Am I not relevant to anyone, anything or any living substance whatsoever in this civilization of humanity that I am cast to the very locus of being but feel undeniably and utterly cast aside? Why? Am I microscopic or macroscopic even, to the eyes of the flesh around me? Did nature do this to me or did I doom my very self to the path of oblivion voluntarily? I simply cannot fathom this loneliness of mine.

Mind me, I have families, I have friends and I have a lover. I have whomever I need to have to not feel what it is I am feeling. However, such strong feeling such as loneliness does not waver to the complete set of army that I have to escort it out of this encapsulated life of mine.

What kind of hell is this? And how, oh fuck, how am I suppose to save myself from this abomination?

l8r,

Jazmin

Word Vomit: Giving a fuck

I can't tell you the number of times I get stared at. Not in a positive way though. It's like a stare that says, "maan, you're a freak, the fuck you wearing gurl?" which I can say is pretty disturbing. I thought we are at the time where we can choose to interpret ourselves freely using our fashion sense without being negatively stared upon. I was wrong. But the thing is, if I had kept myself pushed down and around by those stares I know that I would lose myself and losing myself is the last thing I want to do. You might not know me well but let me tell you something, I love myself, so much, more than you can imagine.

So, as a choice, I welcome those negative stares. It is better than to sacrifice who I am for people who does not even matter to me.

l8r,
Jaz.

Adventure #4: Melaka

Before I begin anything, let me clear the gigantic elephant that is currently occupying the room. Yes, all of my pictures do not depict Melaka, at all. But then I guess, I sub-consciously curated my photos in such ways. Reflecting upon these pictures I did not get to see what Melaka looks like but instead, I could reminisce the feelings that Melaka had left me with. And so far, I personally think that those are the actual memories I want to keep of. Not Melaka's scenery or hot tourists' spots but the feelings that floated me around when I wast there.

1. Melaka River
2. Pahlawan Bridge (maybe)
3. Dino socks on Dataran Pahlawan
4. Me tryna look sassy during my stay at River Cruise Hotel

What about you? What kind of memories do you prefer?