Word Vomit: The Art of Letting Go

Here's a question, is letting go of someone a selfish decision?

Behind every decision I have ever made, at the very foundation of that decision is kindness. So, every time the occasion for decision- making comes up, I will think to myself "what is the kindest way to go about this decision?" 

Some might say that in some events, kindness is not going to be an option but I disagree. Even in the most gruesome decision, kindness exists. It is our job to materialize it.

What I am trying to get at here is recently, I made a life- altering decision to let go of an important, most loved person in my life. It took me a long while to 

get a grip on my decision because I could not idealize the basis of kindness in the decision. How can it be kind if in the end, all I do is break someone's heart? How can it ever be kind if when I leave I 

know that my footsteps seeps pain into that person? But after reassessing the problem I realized that I wanted to be kind to everyone but myself. Why did I deprive myself from my own kindness? 

I want to be happy. And apparently, I deserve to be happy. And so I made a decision to be kind to 

myself. In other word, much blunt word, I made a decision to be selfish. Yes, it was a mean, cold and egoistic decision and I promise you, it was not a decision I made with any ounce of regret.

Loving, especially my act of loving discovered it's limit. Would I have been a much better person if I compromise the love and kindness that I have for myself to make sure that another person in my life is happy while I watch myself alter and deteriorate into a shadow of negativity, preying upon others 

and disseminate the negativity perpetually? Would that have been a far kinder decision?

I don't think so. Sometimes selfish is kind. It may not seem like so. But it is. 

Kindness that society wants us to selflessly provide is onto others. And that is not wrong. That act is indubitably noble. But society forgets to project onto us that being kind to ourselves is a selfless act as well. Be kind people. To anyone, anything, to everyone and everything.

l8r,

Jaz

  

Word Vomit: Anyone?

I am curious, is there anyone out there who is actually reading my contents? I keep getting views but it all seems so abstract. And personally I think that abstractness is only appealing in literature, not in real life. So, to anyone who is reading this, I just want to thank you and hope you enjoy the nonsense that I put out. I enjoy writing them and I hope you'd find some sort of satisfaction in between my lines of absurd sentences.

You are fucking exquisite. Keep that in mind.

And, of course, thank you again.

l8r,

Jaz.

Outstanding Imperfection: Minor Dyslexia

Let's be real here. The fact that I can't differ between my left hand to my right hand is not solely because of my stupidity. The reason of my incomprehensibility towards left and right is because I have a speckle of dyslexic traits in my DNA (I ain't bullshittin' you, bud). 

Truthfully, I am tired of being made stupid due to my inability to differentiate my hand or directions or anything similar. So, I look at it as a quirky trait of mine. How many times in your life do you stumble upon someone who is asked to turn right but steered the car to the left instead? Not that many I suppose. So, here I am. Let me be a quirky furniture in your unfinished home.

Seriously, it is really hard to hate someone who is naturally dumb when it comes to direction. All you will feel is pity and I'd suck any pity that I can find.

So, to you lovely people out there with outstanding imperfections, just be okay with it. If you can't, find other advice because this is all I have. Hahahaha. But seriously, be okay with it. Wear it like a shield and it is almost fucking impossible for anyone to hurt you. At least that is what Tyrion Lannister said in Game of Thrones (btw, when the fuck will that show be on air again?)

ps: I just got the scarf from @byfqi (Instagram), and I wore it for 3 days straight. I mean, c'mon. That justifies something.

l8r,

Jaz.

The Terror of Pants.

I have 24 pairs of pants. I only have one pair of legs.

Why the actual fuck would I need 24 of them? But I love them all the same.

l8r,

Jaz.

Between "Not Beautiful" and "Ugly"

"Not beautiful" and "ugly" are two separate entities. I don't think that these two belongs in the same category as the opposite of beautiful.

Not beautiful: is a state of carefree-ness from the perception of beauty. Where you just don't give a fuck whether you are beautiful or not because you believe that beauty is superficial or you just never been that kind of girl. So, you don't label yourself as beautiful hence, you fall under that category of "not beautiful" and you feel perfectly empowered by it.

Ugly: on the other hand is a state of mind of perpetual hatred towards your exterior. You just can't believe that the person who's looking back at you is you and this usually happens due to the reinforcement from your society. You were probably told from back when you were young that your face is just bloody unappetizing. You didn't want to believe it at first but when you were told that you're ugly your entire life, you question yourself, "wait, am I really?" and you became what the society wanted you to be.

I want to say that I am in the "not beautiful" category but let's be real, I am ugly. I can't say that I hate my looks and care what other people think of me, well, I used too until I found out that the society don't give a fuck about me unless I am either famous, rich or dead. I can't say that I fall under the category of "not beautiful" because I feel ugly. 

You see, I was called ugly during my entire process of growing up. From primary school right up to my first few months in university. I was called ugly. At first, it hurts me that people keep making fun of my ugly teeth, my ugly eyes, my ugly skinny bony body, my non-existent boobs. I was locked in toilets and mocked in public. I was tripped, called names and bullied. I was used and stepped on. I was made to feel worthless about myself and when it was repeated once too often, I believed it. I believed that I was ugly and worthless. I can't remember the number of times I spent hating myself.

It took me such a long time to be okay with myself. I discovered fashion and it was just heaven for me. That was when I realized that beauty is just perception, ugliness is not something that I can change. I don't have any money for either a face-construction surgery or a boob job but I did have enough money for cheap-ass clothes. When I was wrapped in gorgeous pants or top or shoes, I felt, "yeah, I look good." I still felt ugly but at least, I felt good about being ugly and stylish about it.

Worthlessness on the other hand was a different story. It took me to a really deep dive with my first love and everything about me evolved. I felt worth it after he broke up with. That was one of the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I still feel ugly. Very much so. But I don't care enough to do anything about it. I don't give a fuck if my teeth are jongang and my boobs are non-existent. I don't have to wear bras and that is every girl's dream.

I do feel bloody stylish. And I know that I am.

Ugly or not beautiful, only you can tell who you are.

l8r,

Jaz. 

Word Vomit: Huh.

I've been swamped with work and assignments. I don't know what else to say but I'm tired. I thought I should just write it down to make myself feel better.

I don't think it worked.

l8r,

Jaz.

Word Vomit: Chickening Out

As much as I hate admitting it, the first step to recovery is admitting. Haha. So, I am a fucking coward. I have an idea of something and I want it to be a thing but I am scared to get it started. To let people know that I am doing things. I don't know. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

l8r,

Jaz,

Word Vomit: Moral Conundrum

Moral conundrum:

It is like my brain and my feelings are completely estranged from one another. They cannot for the life of me come to a fucking consensus.

Plus, I don't like going with feelings, I think feelings are irresponsible, careless and just plain stupid but man, feelings are fucking dictators. They cannot let the brain wins even when they know that the brain is right.

What is it with me these days? Is this what it feels like to become older? If  it is, let me just say, it is confusing. 

l8r,

Jaz.

Word Vomit: Loneliness

Loneliness. 

Have you ever felt that?

I guess everyone has. It is an inevitable reality. However, there is  more to loneliness than just being alone. It is the sense of not belonging to anywhere and anyone when your entire life is made up of nothing but civilization.

The kind of loneliness I am talking about is thoroughly lonely that it physically disfigures you. It contorts your smile to a frown, it annihilates the hope that was ever in your eyes and it shapes a wall around you that could not be penetrated even by the kindest heart.

I feel that. And every minute that passes by in my humdrum life, the void that this loneliness of mine occupies becomes deeper and soon enough it will spread like a malignant growth throughout my whole being. I am very much afraid that one day, one unfortunate day, I will become nothing but a void of loneliness, wandering around solid ground, perpetuating loneliness to those who are around me. I am afraid of being slowly corrupted by this disease.

The question that I ask myself is why do I feel such way? Am I not relevant to anyone, anything or any living substance whatsoever in this civilization of humanity that I am cast to the very locus of being but feel undeniably and utterly cast aside? Why? Am I microscopic or macroscopic even, to the eyes of the flesh around me? Did nature do this to me or did I doom my very self to the path of oblivion voluntarily? I simply cannot fathom this loneliness of mine.

Mind me, I have families, I have friends and I have a lover. I have whomever I need to have to not feel what it is I am feeling. However, such strong feeling such as loneliness does not waver to the complete set of army that I have to escort it out of this encapsulated life of mine.

What kind of hell is this? And how, oh fuck, how am I suppose to save myself from this abomination?

l8r,

Jazmin

Word Vomit: Giving a fuck

I can't tell you the number of times I get stared at. Not in a positive way though. It's like a stare that says, "maan, you're a freak, the fuck you wearing gurl?" which I can say is pretty disturbing. I thought we are at the time where we can choose to interpret ourselves freely using our fashion sense without being negatively stared upon. I was wrong. But the thing is, if I had kept myself pushed down and around by those stares I know that I would lose myself and losing myself is the last thing I want to do. You might not know me well but let me tell you something, I love myself, so much, more than you can imagine.

So, as a choice, I welcome those negative stares. It is better than to sacrifice who I am for people who does not even matter to me.

l8r,
Jaz.

Word Vomit: On meeting Hana Tajima

So, yeah. Something awesome happened.

Before I begin anything, let's start with a little bit of background shall we? I've been in love Hana Tajima's work for as long as I can remember, which, unfortunately I can't.

Despite the fact that she is overwhelmingly beautiful is not the main reason of me looking up to her. It is her way of interpreting "over the top" fashion in the most subdued way was the first reason of my admiration towards this lady. On top of that, her photography and videography skills are just as simplistic, abstract and mad as she is.

hanatajima.com
(check her out, and if you are anything like me, I promise you, you will not be disappointed.)

But the holy grail of reason that makes my admiration towards her unshaken throughout all of these years is the fact that she does not demand and ask for attention. She just is. She never put herself out there on Instragram, Twitter, Facebook or whatnot. She would vanish from the fabric of the Internet for months and when she comes back, she would come back with a fucking bang.

Hence, Hana Tajima x Uniqlo.

I can't be happier.

l8r,
Jaz.