Between "Not Beautiful" and "Ugly"

"Not beautiful" and "ugly" are two separate entities. I don't think that these two belongs in the same category as the opposite of beautiful.

Not beautiful: is a state of carefree-ness from the perception of beauty. Where you just don't give a fuck whether you are beautiful or not because you believe that beauty is superficial or you just never been that kind of girl. So, you don't label yourself as beautiful hence, you fall under that category of "not beautiful" and you feel perfectly empowered by it.

Ugly: on the other hand is a state of mind of perpetual hatred towards your exterior. You just can't believe that the person who's looking back at you is you and this usually happens due to the reinforcement from your society. You were probably told from back when you were young that your face is just bloody unappetizing. You didn't want to believe it at first but when you were told that you're ugly your entire life, you question yourself, "wait, am I really?" and you became what the society wanted you to be.

I want to say that I am in the "not beautiful" category but let's be real, I am ugly. I can't say that I hate my looks and care what other people think of me, well, I used too until I found out that the society don't give a fuck about me unless I am either famous, rich or dead. I can't say that I fall under the category of "not beautiful" because I feel ugly. 

You see, I was called ugly during my entire process of growing up. From primary school right up to my first few months in university. I was called ugly. At first, it hurts me that people keep making fun of my ugly teeth, my ugly eyes, my ugly skinny bony body, my non-existent boobs. I was locked in toilets and mocked in public. I was tripped, called names and bullied. I was used and stepped on. I was made to feel worthless about myself and when it was repeated once too often, I believed it. I believed that I was ugly and worthless. I can't remember the number of times I spent hating myself.

It took me such a long time to be okay with myself. I discovered fashion and it was just heaven for me. That was when I realized that beauty is just perception, ugliness is not something that I can change. I don't have any money for either a face-construction surgery or a boob job but I did have enough money for cheap-ass clothes. When I was wrapped in gorgeous pants or top or shoes, I felt, "yeah, I look good." I still felt ugly but at least, I felt good about being ugly and stylish about it.

Worthlessness on the other hand was a different story. It took me to a really deep dive with my first love and everything about me evolved. I felt worth it after he broke up with. That was one of the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I still feel ugly. Very much so. But I don't care enough to do anything about it. I don't give a fuck if my teeth are jongang and my boobs are non-existent. I don't have to wear bras and that is every girl's dream.

I do feel bloody stylish. And I know that I am.

Ugly or not beautiful, only you can tell who you are.

l8r,

Jaz.